A short story...copy edited
“Faith.” Mommy sighed.  “Eat your squash. It’s good for you.”

“Yuck. I hate
squash.” Faith pushed the offensive vegetable around on her plate.  She looked to her left at her brother Karl and then to the right at her brother Kris.  Well, at their empty chairs.  They’d already finished and left the table.  Even Liz, the usual troublemaker, had gotten her dessert and been excused from the table.

“You have to eat three pieces of squash before you can leave the
table.” Mommy walked to the sink with a few dirty dishes in her hand. “I’m almost done here in the kitchen.  Once I finish these dishes, I’m leaving the kitchen. If you haven’t finished by then, you’ll be sitting in here until bedtime or you eat that squash.”

I am not going to eat that yucky squash, no matter if I have to sit here all
night. It’s cold and mushy and icky. She’d throw up if she ate any of that yucky squash. 

Mommy walked to the door and flicked the switch. The kitchen went dark.  Faith stared at the round yellow slabs of gunky squash.
 
An hour later, she
still pushed and whirled and twirled that yellow glob over her plate. Her fork ran over and over it as she mashed it to bits and plopped it onto the plate. Her eyes hurt as they stared in the dark and then were blinded by the light turning back on.

“Faith, go to
bed.” Mommy’s defeated tone echoed in the room.

Ha! Victory is mine, and I shall never eat those yucky vegetables!
Author's note: this may or may not be based on true story from my childhood. Okay, it's true...I hated eating my squash and I may have been a bit stubborn.
1: Use fewer -ing words.  Don’t
hide the real action of the
sentence.
 
1A: overuse of -ing words in
one sentence can lead to a long,
run-on sentence.

2: Use fewer infinitives. Don’t
hide the real action of the
sentence.

3: Remove character filters.
Help your reader be immersed
in the world and mind of your
character- keep the third party
out of the picture.

4: Get rid of “said.” By removing
those invisible “said” dialogue
tags, you can strengthen your
character’s actions and add
excitement and feeling.

“Faith,” Mommy said, sighing.1  “Eat your squash. It’s good for you.”

“Yuck. I hate
squash,” Faith said4, pushing1 the offensive vegetable around on her plate.  She looked to her left at her brother Karl and then to the right at her brother Kris.  Well, at their empty chairs.  They’d already finished and left the table.  Even Liz, the usual troublemaker, had gotten her dessert and been excused from the table.

“You have to eat three pieces of squash before you can leave
the table,” Mommy said4, walking toward1 the sink with a few dirty dishes in her hand. “I’m almost done here in the kitchen.  Once I finish these dishes, I’m leaving the kitchen. If you haven’t finished by then, you’ll be sitting in here until bedtime or you eat that squash.”

I am not going to eat that yucky squash, no matter if I have to sit here all
night, Faith thought to herself3. It’s cold and mushy and icky. She felt like3 she’d throw up if she ate any of that yucky squash.
 
Mommy
started to walk2 to the door and flicking the switch1, the kitchen went dark.  Faith sat at the table, staring1 at the round yellow slabs of gunky squash.

An hour later, she
was pushing1A and whirling1A and twirling1A that yellow glob over her plate, running1A her fork over and over it, mashing1A it to bits and plopping1A it onto the plate. Her eyes started to hurt2 as they first were staring2 in the dark and then were being blinded2 by the light turning back on.

“Faith, go to
bed,” Mommy said4, a tone of defeat in her voice.

Ha,
Faith thought to herself3. Victory is mine, and I shall never eat those yucky vegetables!
A short story...proofed
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